A baby will fix it all

  My second decade as an adult woman can be summed up easily...One strange trip.
 My life was full of confusion, I hadn't had any serious relationship in almost 5 years so it became painfully apparent that I was not only lonely but becoming content with the idea of being alone after the boys grew up.
 It freaking scared the hell out of me. The thought of being alone was so scary and intense it would keep me up at night and cause my chest to explode with emotions. From sadness to worry, to stress and regret to fear and more regrets...I went through every emotion every single night starting around my 38th birthday.
There was a sudden need to hurry everything in life and put a baby at the forefront of it all. See, the unfortunate part of my story is my children were aging out as I was. The timing couldn't have been shittier.
The fascinating part of 38 was self-discovery. I Had to be very adult making very adult decisions that would eventually all come to surface ahead of me. I was walking a tightrope of emotions that made no sense and I understood the word "final" much more clearly.
 My biggest worry was not being needed. There was also a very disturbing idea of death that I was becoming attached to. The fact everything was finite bothered me. Ideas and thoughts raced my mind nonstop which made no sense at all. What if my oldest got hurt? My youngest had already multiple disabilities but I began fixating heavily of my healthy son. It became so real the thoughts that if he was not there I had no one and vice versa for him. It made me feel guilty for birthing him.

 Something new for me during this time was the amount of secrecy I had in me. I didn't even recognize myself at times and would try to accept the things I was doing were normal. To some degree they were. It would have been nice to have had a mother figure to ask questions to but that simply wasn't my case and I knew my family would be mortified if they learned my secret meetings trying to conceive. It would have driven my mother to the grave to know that was something happening. But let me back up and explain how I first met Matt and the series of events that led to us finding each other in a library making copies of contracts and making babies.

  It is important to let everyone know that I do not judge or define peoples mental problems, I don't assume someone is crazy even if they seem off because one moment cannot define me.
 One single act cannot possibly make me who I am just because someone else doesn't understand my actions. In other words....people should be who they are and live the life they want. In the end, no one in your family will ever truly know you. We all hide things. No one is ever completely open. Speaking of the dark things haunts some of us to a degree that we cannot talk about our brains' thoughts. During menopause, your brain will go through a series of emotional changes and plagues. Many of the dramas my head faced were regrets and the strong desire to get things done before I ran out of time.

 It was September of 2013 when I first went onto the website I found via a friend that would help me find a man willing to assist me in pregnancy without having to have sex or a relationship and most importantly with no strings attached after, Although obviously never legally binding all the women I met through the years would have never come back after these men. They were providing us the gift that no one else could. A promise of new beginnings for some and the first decade of adulthood for many.

Matt and I met at a small cafe after a very awkward meeting at the library to print off signatures that made it "official".
 Sperm donor and recipient contractually binding papers in hand, he sat across from me with a gorgeous glare. His eyes dark brown and hair salt and pepper he was beyond handsome and when he genuinely smiled without the ego, I could see why he was genetically desirable. I could not, however, believe I was saying things like genetically acceptable in my head.
 I couldn't help but wonder what weird fetish Matt was getting out of the deal. I was one of the first women he began working with so I had little to judge him on. We were both new at this donor meet up thing and equally, I think we were trying to be a little too professional.
 I asked him about his reasons and he just smiled and said he thought it made sense to be able to give back to people and since his DNA and genetics were so perfect it only made sense to procreate.
 It did sound a bit narcissistic but who was I to judge? I was there to get sperm in a syringe from a stranger not decide this dudes mental blocks and mine. Whatever his reasons, we began a very awkward friendship that never quite felt like the right match for me or my uterus.
 The first month after our initial meeting I'd had two weeks to think about it all and I was fucking terrified. What the actual hell was I thinking? As I plunged Matt's sperm into me and laid my legs up on the pillows I remember thinking what the hell am I doing? Was I insane? This dude could be a serial killer infecting people with a disease and faking documents. My mind would make me believe he was out to hurt people until I realized Matt really had given every detail about his life to me and never hid anything. It would make no sense for him to attempt to harm someone when he had invested just as much time into making this happen. Even though it was never really comfortable with Matt, I eventually did end up having sex with him physically and ended the partnership that way. It seemed fair we both give it a natural go before splitting ways. Women and men truly cannot be friends. Trust me.
 My business arrangement lasted 2 years with Matt. After many missed months we actively use artificial insemination 7 times in those 2 years and only had a physical moment together once. I did not get pregnant from him.
 It always made me wonder if it was because he was working with so many other women that he was limited. When he did tell me of the two women that resulted in babies I was jealous and felt angry. I decided that his loyalty was to produce as many babies as he could, perhaps to write about it one day as he always bragged about but I didn't feel comfortable any longer as being just another client trying to book around his other baby-making mamas. It was also always a little strange when Matt would bring his live-in girlfriend along. Myself and Dahlia attempting small talk. was fucking weird. Then he would come out and hand me his cup and I would head off into another room to insert. It was both mentally exhausting and started to become so awkward I couldn't deal.
 Sitting across from your sperm donor's girlfriend is extremely weird especially when there is a sperm swap happening in a cup. I can't even express that enough. Especially because Matt would always do a little wink as he handed me the sperm cup and smile with that crooked shit-eating grin and a wink-wink.

 Matt became obsessed with adding more clients and he and I could barely ever make time to meet, let alone him do what he needed and me what I needed to make it all happen. He also became obsessed with the idea we had to physically have sex to make it work. I somewhat agreed it would work better that way but the sex was awful and there is no amount of sperm worth the awkwardness of Matt so that relationship ended with us as facebook friends and I am betting he is still out there giving ladies the babies.
 I was still on the hunt for happiness and that happiness was in a baby so the hunt continued. I blocked Matt on the private website that I had found him on and decided this journey was not over. Surely there was a man out there that would not be so weird or in it for the right reasons.
 I asked friends if they were close enough guy friends to trust and a few said yes but I couldn't see them being the DNA I chose. So I kept looking. Even writing this sounds crazy but I was on the hunt for a perfect specimen!

  After taking a little time to reflect on the ordeal of trying to get pregnant, I was sort of emotionally spent. I had a hard time getting out of the baby funk and an even harder time trying to explain to people what I was going through. I felt defeated every month I was actively trying to get pregnant and spent thousands of dollars on pregnancy tests, ovulation kits and vitamins all to result in finding later for me the chance was not there anyway and a baby didn't stand a chance in my angry womb.
 At the end of each cycle, I would sit and weep going through hell in my mind over the fact I had lost the ability to ever have a baby again. I was already too old or whatever was going on it wasn't meant to be. It made me realize how finite things truly are. Especially age 38 which was coming to an end launching me into being almost fucking forty.
 Despite the grueling stress associated with trying to conceive, I did not stop. I spent another two years working on baby 3 now 15 years after the birth of my youngest. The year of 2015 introduced me to another man that I found online that lived in south Florida and he and I would carry a physical relationship for about another year before I finally stopped trying for a baby, His name was Khalid and the Fall of 2015 he and I found ourselves in a hotel room together after a few months of planning.

 I was waiting for Khalid to arrive that evening and was feeling so nervous I had downed three glasses of wine and smoked a nice fatty waiting for him to arrive. When he walked in I noticed his gorgeous skin so dark next to mine we embraced for a moment and I felt the comfort he provided in his arms. Khalid was the real deal. He was in this for the love and real reasons a man should be. Because he legitimately got women and knew what we wanted. I remember making small talk on the couch as we began kissing and his hands swept across my pants as he grabbed the back of my hair.
 I started unbuttoning his shirt and looked up at his body as he and I locked hands and practically threw each other onto the bed locking legs as he slipped my pants down my knees. I whispered " I am nervous" so he backed away and rubbed my breast with his cheek then looked me in the eyes and said, "let's talk about it"
 Seriously, who the hell knows what crap came out of my mouth at that time but he allowed me to sit and say whatever I needed to and when I was through I looked into his eyes as he grabbed my shoulder and pulled my chin to his mouth. I stared at his body as if I saw him for the first time and I couldn't stand to say no.
  I told him I wanted him to make me forget all the fears and just let go. I warned him ahead how I did not get off that easy and how I was complicated but he would grab me tighter until I was looking straight back into his eyes and understanding the reason he was there: for me.
 Khalid was from Jamaica and he had a strong soulful touch that was evident he was at peace with who he was. It was very easy to fall into his eyes trustingly and allow myself to reach down his waist and pull him back into me. I was desiring him now. The baby thoughts were gone. He had brought me back to a place where it was about me and him and the big age gap about to wrap our bodies together with sweat dripping off his chin onto the back shoulder blade at every thrust. I was in love with how we felt together so the awkwardness was never there with him.
 There were moments with him that I physically know I was lifted off the ground, he would finish inside me so deep and just when I thought he had to be spent he would go deeper and deeper until we would both let out a scream it felt so intense.
 When I knew he was done I would start to pull away and he would hold me down saying " we have to make the most of our time while your body is open to it" he sometimes seemed to be more comfortable talking about my body than I but I would just look at him again and be pulled back into his arms while accepting another round of the deepest penetrating sex I had ever had. To any of the men before....my sincere apologies. To all after I again apologize.

 Khalid and I were not able to meet as often as I would have liked so our meetups rarely worked but the experience did lead me into understanding my body on a deeper level. He also taught me to respect myself and to take care of me. He actually may be the exception to the rule of women and men friendships. So I digress. I often think of him and have nothing but fond thoughts and appreciation for what he attempted to do for my life and for him not knowing the impact he made during that time.
  Compared to my one experience with Matt, Khalid was beyond surreal. The fact the sex was so incredible made my crazy thoughts and questionable behavior easier to cope with. Every time that I questioned what I was doing or if I was acting rationally I would quickly be reminded I did not give a shit because I was having incredible sex on my terms with no attachment to anyone and for the first time in a very long time I was in control of my life and the terms I would accept.

 Khalid was the second of a few sexual encounters I would have during the beginning of Perimenopause. I was learning so much about my body and the lengths I would go to enjoy sex. Having a baby started to become the least of my thoughts because the world of sex between thirty-nine and forty brought change in me in a cellular way.

 The desire to have a baby diminished for me around age 42 completely. I was four years into Perimenopause by then and I had worked with my secret donor friends until my heart wasn't in it anymore.
 The baby blues were one of the hardest parts of perimenopause because your hormones are raging and you are going in 100 different directions at a time. Your emotions vary from person to person and you are at a sexual place that is confusing as well. Sometimes it is all you can think of and other times you can't even deal with the thought of sex.
 I truly believed having a baby would cure the issues my heart and head could not agree on but it wouldn't have. It ultimately would have caused way more issues than I would have wanted to deal with but in the midst of it, it made sense.
  Not having a baby for me was a big blessing but I will never discount the strong desires I had in the early stages of this nasty thing called Perimenopause because it happened. I was indeed baby crazy and would have done anything I could as proof would show in my donor experience to achieve my desires. Thankfully those baby desires turned into more of a sexual awareness of what I learned in the process of baby-making.
 I do not expect others to understand the emotions I went through during these early years of P.M but I do hope that if there is someone going through the strong thought swings and emotional bullshit your heart and head and body put you through during this awful time, they will understand its all going to even out and regardless the outcome it will be OK.
 I have no clue what full menopause will be like and I really don't want to right now. For now, in this time 2019, I am too young to care. The most important thing is the awareness of it all. The fact we can look back later and maybe share our experience with someone else. I sure wish I had someone as open as I. Even my most outgoing friends shy away from discussing getting older as if their vaginas don't age.
 I wish my mother's generation had been more forthcoming with information. There is little to prepare anyone for the events that lead to menopause and it doesn't seem fair that we have to go through it unknowingly and without some checklist of possible crazy hormone-driven ideas.....like having a baby, alone, at 40.
  I am positive for many women that decide to have a baby in their forties it is great in a planned and healthy environment. For me, I was kayaking on my 42nd birthday when I looked up at the sky, put my hands up to the sun and breathed in and thought...I have not done anything so freeing in 20 years. The same amount of time I was a mother. And that was the end of the baby desires. Matter of fact it was in that instant I decided to lose some weight and get more active because after all, I wanted to live. I even quit smoking that year. It was a time of transformation. If you pay close attention to your bodies, ladies, they really are talking to you.
 Kayak day was a metamorphosis for me that has lasted the last few years and ultimately the shitty depression that comes along with hormonal issues ( I have some natural remedies for) it has been worth the drama. The stress and time spent trying to have a baby was all worth it to get to that day on the kayak where it was decided it was time to move on and when I mean move on I mean smoke a lot of weed, get on some over the counter herbs and hormonal remedies and move the hell on from that part of the perimenopause roller-coaster..
 Thank goodness. it was like going through adult puberty in both the best and worst acid trip ever.