Maybe she's born with it maybe it's perimenopause

 Oh, that glistening dew kissed skin and glow, she must work hard to get that just worked out going to pass outlook. No, it's just me under a pool of sweat trying to catch my breath because no one told me my mind fog would cause social anxiety for no reason at any given moment.

 There is nothing better than a public outburst when you are in full-on panic mode as I learned on my way to a large corporate meeting in mid-November 2017. In and out, an easy day today with little stress and this should be a great meeting.

 As I approached the third traffic light downtown, I got a feeling of dread over me that I had either lost something, forgotten it or both. I was frantically looking for.....something when the light turned green and the person behind blared the horn which is always helpful to an anxiety-riddled person to move faster.

 I started to panic as I neared the last light to my turn and came to a full stop veering off to the shoulder so I could collect my thoughts, cool down and make sense of whatever was freaking me out and to find whatever I was looking for...still not established.

 I caught eyes with a police officer standing only feet away from my vehicle and an already highly medicated woman quickly glanced back down to avoid any confrontation. I had already been spotted as this helpful public servant could tell, I was having issues.

 He knocked on my window and smiled " everything OK?" yeah, I am just looking for something I may have lost or forgotten and don't know what it is yet and I also feel a little like I am going to pass out from fear of something unknown at the moment. Let's have a social.

 I explained my rush to my meeting and the intricate details of my morning. Coffee in hand I was set on calming myself down by speaking to the officer and explaining how this was all due to my scattered mind and not bringing a purse along with me that day. He, however, must have seen the look in my eye at some other time in his life. Maybe through the eyes of his mother or the wife at home. He knew.

 My name is officer Jason. There really isn't anything to stress over. I think you may be experiencing a panic attack.  Although officer Jason couldn't have been more accurate I was fuming. I was not having some panic attack, I was surely dying! My pulse was racing, my head spinning and I couldn't get any clear sentences out because I was running inside a stagnant body. It was so creepy.

 I swung around to shut my door catching a glimpse of my reflection of some random hairs sticking straight up and my right eyelash now detached from the glue. I recall thinking wow, now this is shit you see on COPS. My hair a mess one false eyelash popping the fuck off and me trying to explain where I have been and where I am going to officer Jason who clearly is clued into my issues more than me. His sympathetic eyebrows bothered me and I asked him if I was free to go after a few seconds of calming down. He, of course, said yes knowing I was just an unsuspecting woman caught in the middle of a panic attack.

 I sat in my meeting that day for 1 and a half hours not paying attention to anything but my breathing and sweating and trying to control them both. What kind of grown-up bullshit was this? Why in the hell was I in a room full of peers leaking profusely and feeling so awkward when I was always in control. I had no clue what my body was doing. We were currently working on two different teams. Team me was pushing hard to fight off the cold air that was making me sweat and my insides were about to bust as I waited for John to get his fucking words out so I could run downstairs jump in my car and sit in the air on full blast, Shut the fuck up John some of us cant breath and swallow properly today!

 By the time I left the meeting that day I was convinced it was all in my head and that these episodes were panic attacks brought on by stress. I was still so very out of touch with myself that I didn't hear my body crying out. Also when people ask why body temperature regulation is important, this story should serve as a reminder of humidity and eyelash glue and how quickly we can go from looking pretty put together to oh look at the crazy lady with the cop in a matter of seconds.
 Humidity and perimenopause are not friends and glue has nothing on perimenopause.

 For someone that preferred to stay low key unless otherwise desired, my hormones were dead set on making me a known presence. Between sweating to a point of being disgustingly obvious to the social awkwardness that made me go from having a temperature fluctuation to a full-on panic attack. These episodes would appear from nowhere unexpectedly and for sometimes no reason at all.
 Sometimes for me at least, the sheer thought of a panic attack is enough to bring on a huge panic attack. Isn't that some shit?

I would continue to live with these episodes for an additional two years until getting help for them. I know to carry a Valium at all times and how to fake out some of the best panic attacks that creep on but occasionally one of those bastards will break through and make me feel like I am sinking into the sand without any footing until my head starts pounding and my feet start trying to move so I can get my heart beating again.

 I just wasn't prepared. I don't feel like this stage of life right now is all that bad rather a lesson I wasn't prepared for at all and expected to not deal with for another 15 to 20 years... Now that I know what I am dealing with, it mostly all makes sense or I can rationally decide what is happening when I begin an "episode".

 It is perfectly normal now to see me randomly jump out of my seat and start jogging through the house because I think my heart stopped beating, my son passing by and saying "Panic attack?' it is actually fairly normal now and we can laugh at it.

 I suggest to all women I meet to learn about your body temperatures. Mine always spikes high around 4 a.m which is when I deal with night sweats and dropping of my body temperature.
I also don't jump up too quickly out of bed. Who knows if there is truth to it but I think your body should wake up in stages when it is dealing with trauma like changes. Maybe awaken and meditate as you get up. It seems to help me. Mostly I had to learn meditation to regulate my breathing. I thought the idea of meditation was stupid and secretly made fun of people that said stuff like that but I live by it now.

In the scheme of it, all Life gets better through each crazy episode. For me at least I am aware of these attacks and know how to fight them off half the time. But it isn't fair.

It feels like we put our bodies through an awful lot of trauma as women and we are supposed to not be speaking about it all. We are taught that we must deal and talk in some menopause code because it is too embarrassing to say out loud.
I am perimenopausal!!
Fuck off.