Chapter 2. The Sex contract

 If you haven't already been reading this adventure you may want to go back to the first featured blog and then to "A baby will fix it all"

 Let me first say I think women are so incredibly brave.
 I also think we do not have a full sense of self until around age 40 so the climb is intense and it is no easy walk.
 The women I met on my journey that were trying to have babies, affected so much about who I am today.

 I was in a group of women that were trying to pioneer the baby ages by using strangers turned friends and contractual agreements to make sure a baby was indeed made.
 The amount of trust we all as women in that group had in each other and the men we worked with was tremendous. The trust was so important because the actions I was taking to have a baby by 40 were extreme and I knew the only support I would find was through strangers there dealing with the same problems I was.
 I  don't necessarily think that is a great thing because not having a network of support was the case for many of us in that group. There was no support from peers nor family and we were all embarking on the ride together as strangers. Many of us going through the exact same emotions.



  The question will arise at some point in this writing about why I began seeking a donor to work with and how I even found something like that online.
 The truth is I had true fears over genetics. Time was already working against me every single day so statistics get scarier the older I was getting.
 I was not interested in co-parenting or being a family with someone. I just wanted no attachment at all to a man and a baby. That's it.

 Matt and I had our contracts, we understood completely how we were to carry out the arrangement and that it was going to be a little awkward since neither of us had ever been in a contractual sex agreement. We also were not having physical sex so it made it somewhat easier that first time we did a cup exchange.
 I was Matt's first contract, he mine and together we were going to make a baby but before that, we were just two strangers online that wrote up our genetic profile and shared it in a private chat group that is dedicated to helping women and couples get pregnant.
 You may wonder how I found such a place or had the nerve to actually go on and talk to people about having sex for the purpose of procreation. It sounded weird as hell and I did not expect anyone to get it but I think it will eventually become more well known... at least that is my hope.

  Firstly the screen name I chose was Titania Queen of the faeries. It seemed appropriate enough for the whimsical world I was learning about as a single mom turning 38.
 I entered the chat and began studying profiles. This was a free sperm bank. Keep in mind most men wanted to work local so the chance to meet up was easy and those far away even had huge success rates with shipping AI. Yes, there are insemination terms. No, you probably don't want to know them.
 None the less this life existed and I was convinced shipping was best for me. One because I was too nervous to meet anyone in person yet and two I figured it was just as successful. That method, however, is extremely costly monthly so I chose not to do it more than once. Statistically, I was not convinced it made sense.

 Matt was the first man I sparked a conversation up with. He was bisexual man with a live-in girlfriend who did not know we would be doing this arrangement.
 He said it wasn't important for her to know unless we decided to continue and she was still around. Hey, his life so whatever. I was free and single with no one to answer to. We all have secrets like I said and I was not there to judge my new baby-making partner Matt.

 Matt already had another son over 21 and said he desired to continue having kids due to his genetics. He brought the long paper with the entire breakdown. It was fairly impressive and that hair. It wasn't going anywhere. baldness would never be an issue for this baby.
 He allowed me access to his sons' photos to see how he had turned into a young adult so I could have a baseline idea of his genetics.
 Again I realize how incredibly weird this is for someone just reading this now but it has become second nature to me by 40 that talking about it now feels comfortable.


 The real question wasn't how Matt and I came about rather how I decided this was the right move for me and that goes back to the insecurity and negative thoughts I had lived with for three and a half decades from abuse.
 For me, love didn't come from the men I dated or the one I married. Relationships with friends were surface to me and I lacked so much love for myself and understanding of where my abandonment issues came from I couldn't see I was creating more issues for my body by stressing this all so much.
 Babies symbolize youth and healthy, happy beginnings. My memories of raising babies were tarnished in so many ways because I had never seen anyone I knew in a stable healthy relationship. I had no idea what that was. I did, however, know what an unhealthy relationship was.

 I was up against a clock that never existed. I was hiding from eyes that were never watching and I was trying to control the things that were absolutely spinning out of control around me.
 I was delusional and childish to think I could fix my broken parts through another child on my own. What was going on with me was an inability to accept what was happening and a depression that was convincing me the only way happiness was achieved was being young and with a child again.
  I don't know why that was the picture of happiness for me. Maybe I just had no clue since my family had been one with little words and certainly no touch. Maybe I realized that the only time I was able to understand love was when I was needed, and a baby would need me.

  I just didn't care about being beautiful anymore? I'd spent so long trying to look and be a certain way I didn't know how to be my real self. The fact I was able to form relationships in private with both Matt and Khalid proved to me that beauty was really surface in most people. My heart was good even though it was damaged. I had a lot of love to give and just knew I would do it right the next time I was given the chance.

 I was searching not for a baby but for a second chance to prove to myself something. I have never quite figured out what I was missing but every now and then when I am alone in my thoughts I feel that panic of needing something that I can't find or knowing something was close but not knowing what.
  I don't think that having a baby would have changed one single issue I was dealing with. My silent new friend called perimenopause was the front seat driver in my emotional world and peri wasn't having shit to do with logic back in those days.

 I do wonder what Matt's true reasons for the contract were. He was already a father and a boyfriend to seemingly a nice lady that would eventually become aware of our contractual agreement.
  It confused me when I would look at Matt and wonder why he cared at all.
 The suspicious person I had grown to be through the years made me assume it was something in him that wasn't complete.
  I think we are all trying to find our character arcs by 40. Matts was less evident than mine because he didn't have the vagina or a desire to even know the baby after birth.

 I do this thing when I meet a new friend. I try to imagine their lives as kids. That is when all of our traits become us and I was fascinated with trying to find the child in people so I could understand the adult in them
 This second adulthood made me consider people's stories more and listen to them. I felt a desire to understand everyone I was close with because I had to know the reasons they were who they were. Like me.
 Who knew the story of the little girl who never had a family and though she did? That girl would spend almost 6 years now refining everything she believed at twenty so she didn't continue the curse of her family and the inability to love one another. The layers of depression that wrapped around my father and mother so deeply they quit in life by 68. I was desperate to be anything but them.
 I had to understand motives and question everything because it was my right and I was so tired of being told not to ask questions. I didn't care about Matt's personal life or his weekend getaways to wherever. I wanted to know the deep stuff like which one of his parents ruined him and didn't accept him.
 No matter how perfect a smile we all have a story. Matt was no different.
 I think I discovered his mental block after the first year which was acceptance. Matt was torn between living two different lives, the one society said was right with a woman and the one that made him attracted to men.
  Matt was broken because no one ever told him he was allowed to choose happiness over a paper house.

 It would be these deep conversations in my own head that eventually made me less interested in working with Matt as a donor. I worried that no matter how beautiful something could be on the outside that it could be filled with emptiness when it was opened.
  I learned Matt didn't talk about the babies rather the numbers and he referred to us as clients after a while. He had detached himself from whatever he was trying to fix and lost his way to recovery and self-awareness. I found that extremely weak and undesirable.
 Truth be told I think by the end of the contract with Matt, I couldn't have been more turned off by anyone I'd ever been with.

 The one thing I refused initially was natural insemination. I just knew I didn't want to deal with men at that time so the AI was ideal. Matt was fine with that as were most ....at first,
 There is more to this website if you look deeper but I was not there for finding anything but a partner.
 Eventually, if you are apart of these Known sperm donor groups you will find pushing for natural sex is always something common and for many of us women that have only AI on our profile, we will get passed faster because a man is a fucking man and if he can slip his penis in something he will.
 Many of the donors were states away with only a handful within driving working with distance.
 Matt was a hop skip and jump away from me anytime I was ovulating so the choice was easy even though he was suggesting NI from the start.
 There was so much pressure to have sex that eventually out of fear I would lose him as a donor I agreed to go for it. I compromised my whole plan to make him happy all the while knowing it would have no different outcome and he was content with that because eventually our contract turned into 30 other ones and our time was best used in haste than waste. Or some shit he said like that. Anyway I didn't care for the person I saw Matt for in the end and I was grateful for the experience but annoyed at the outcome.

 I didn't see myself ever getting into another relationship. I thought being single and focusing on the boys would be ideal and I knew being a mom was something I was always great at. Why not fill the missing love I was feeling with a baby?
 Knowing that plan I would spend two days meeting Matt while I was ovulating. We would practice AI as much as possible each cycle but nothing was working so eventually we would begin skipping months and missed appointments blaming it on schedules but we both knew it was frustrating and no doctor was involved to say what could be going wrong.
 According to my kits, ovulation was indeed happening so why no baby??

 I peed on peed sticks. I peed on all the things and I examined for lines and took the tests apart each month convincing myself I was pregnant and there was definitely a line so many times it was making me crazy.
 I was testing from the day before up to my period going through hundreds of tests every few months. I started going to the dollar tree since I belonged to every baby forum that said their tests were just as touchy as the Frers out there. So much baby lingo.
  So many bullshit months getting worked up for nothing. I was beating myself up like I was in some some sick relationship with my imaginary demon.

 Working with Matt was extremely taxing on my body and mind. Being around him was always hectic and weird and then when he finally told Dahlia about what he was doing and she insisted on coming along to every meeting it got bizarre.

 When I finally met Khalid online and moved on to him as a donor I had understood the way this all went and felt very comfortable being in control and even guiding him into my level of comfort.
 With him, it would be a natural process from the start. After working with Matt for two years I learned that the cup passing and girlfriend bringing was a hell of a lot more uncomfortable than just having sex with someone.

 I am not saying online baby matchmaking is for everyone I am only saying it was right for me.
As my relationship with Khalid proved, this could be a very simple easy process if you work with the right person. Once I let all the genetics and planning go. I was pregnant within two months from Khalid. I think his positive energy and the way he and I so positively connected made it all so much faster and beautiful.
 He is now the father of 12 children and he is still one of the most important people in my life.

  I tell women all the time about the way I found this all because I remember how desperate I was to have a baby. Even if my reasons were all wrong I felt the disappointment every month in trying. I hurt every day I couldn't conceive and to know that there are options for women that cannot afford sperm banks and expensive shipping methods, this way works and if you find your comfort zone your story could end with everything you may be looking for.

  I was in a judgment-free zone living my life the way I wanted on my terms. I don know how much of my desire to have a baby was driven by perimenopause but I am willing to bet it was a tremendous influence during that time.