It's not me, It's you

 So I admit, By the time I was way deep in the genetically chosen men I was trying to procreate with I was also living with the most secrets I had ever known.

 Before that time it was really no big issue to have my sexual secrets all mine. But this felt so different. Meeting someone with an agreement that you will be making a baby and creating a life together all the while knowing you will not be a part of each other is a struggle and not getting emotionally attached to one another is certainly a strange way to start off any relationship but I looked at it as a business arrangement. One I could never discuss with someone or celebrate openly about but none the less a shady alleyway deal I had made and was sticking to it.

  I was confident in the woman I was becoming in life and looked back at my first marriage barely recognizing that person. She was weak, She didn't plan and she had no clue how to raise a family, love someone the way a mother loves a child and she didn't have a clue how to make it in the world. She had been told she was worthless from more than one person she loved and she questioned everyone's motives now. this was the new way of living.

   I had really only been in love once and it was through so much turmoil and crazy that I learned to exist. It reminded me that chaos was a constant for far too long and the negative energy that had been in my life was going to continue to destroy the happiness I was capable of and the opportunity to move on healthily.

 In my first marriage, I was emotionally taught to be dependent on one person for almost 7 years. I was told being jealous and angry instead of talking was normal and that to question anything is to devalue your mates' intentions.

 I learned how my mind had been morphed to believe what my ex wanted me to believe and I wanted more than anything to make him happy. Now at this age, this new me really had little interest in sitting for hours listening to someone tell me about their childhood.

 Men bored me and I found I was often the stronger one in any relationship.

 Being single from 2010 to 2015 helped me get back in control of my life, emotions and well being in general. I started living again. I understood the value of time and lived for the days I could get away and feel young being free from the stress of family or work.

  I could have been envious of those around me that were moving on even some still having babies and even more some meeting their mates and just a matter of months later marrying. I suppose that could have broken me but I stopped caring about that idea of happiness and realized it was something made up. We are told that is the way life is and that is how people that are normal and happy look but I wasn't so sure anymore.

 Almost every man I knew was secretly emailing to meet up. Over 50% of the old friends I had that were male from High school were ready to cheat as soon as we met and saw each other for the first time since 25 years prior. It grossed me out.

  I refuse to date or be involved with a married man. It makes me sick to my stomach knowing what my ex and his nasty life partner did to our family and for that reason, I stay far away from emotional and family baggage.

  Usually, even if that means a recent divorce or fighting over custody. That already rules out a vast majority of men leaving a handful of weirdos left to choose from. 

 It was stomach-turning to see grown men complain about trivial nonsense and woman drama that I couldn't relate to. I found myself drifting off in conversations a lot of dates.

 If they began complaining I was ready to duck out. For the record as well. hearing men talk about how its all good because they are fixed now because they don't want any more kids is never a hot topic to turn on a lady while courting. Married or not. Its just Meh.

 There really comes a time in a woman's life during hormonal imbalances when you don't care what people think because you know time is of the essence and you either eat or get eaten. 

 Its a life of wolves out there and we are all searching, hunting for whatever we seek to make us feel whole, I still have no clue what that was through the first years of perimenopause but I was fairly certain I was growing as a woman in the sense that I didn't give a shit if a man cried begged or pleaded for me to be with them, when I was done I was done.

 I had lived years struggling to close relationships out of fear of being alone or hurting someone all to find they were cheating already or they were a sociopath without a heart regardless. No, this was my time and I was far from ready to give another day to anyone I knew was a waste of my time. But men had changed and I was not prepared for these types of confrontational moments that were driven by passion from men that were so damaged from women they were desperate to make your stay.

 I go through a series of emotions daily from how shitty my hair is to fuck it lets shave my head crazy thoughts so I have a real hard time processing other peoples damaged thoughts however, I did attempt to stay in monogamous relationships here and there and one, in particular, was especially one I hoped would be the one...until he wouldn't shut up.


 Maybe it's my age now because I use to love sitting around reminiscing over memories of youth and songs that made those memories real. I lived for the times to sit for hours looking into someone's eyes listening to them tell me their life's passions while I absorbed their every being. Lately, though I could have snoozed right through all that b.s because I was overall the having to get to know someone stuff.

  It took time to get emotionally invested in someone and having hormones driving you to think your fruits are bearing old lady eggs monthly means time is everything so I had none for silly stories and especially complainers.

 Second adulthood is hard. We really are at such a different place in the fourth decade of life and everything is sort of brought into perspective.

  I was perfectly content never having anything serious to answer to but there was always that guy that had to whisper I love you after three weeks or show signs of being too emotionally invested into something I knew I didn't have time for and had said that from the get-go.

 This new age of forty was more of a stand your ground age. I saw men that had been just as defeated as me but they were still trying to heal and I was trying to explain that all that nonsense and past problems didn't matter. Life is about going forward. Sadly very very few were ever on my train of thought and if they were there was likely some other issue that stood in the way of us ultimately trying to get serious.

 I don't think there is anything wrong with people being all they want to be but lines in the sand should be drawn early. If I am not into an open lifestyle and you are. So be it.
 People move on and gravitate to what makes sense for them. You are not obligated to be something or pretend to like something to make someone else happy, It's absurd.

 My hormonal body had cried so much and dealt with so much emotional stress in the constant struggle of trying to conceive for 4 years to go through two crazy relationships in ten years. I couldn't bear another lengthy courtship or getting to know you phase. 

 It was all or nothing and nothing was worth drama.

 Just a few months into dating after a five-year break and I wanted a retreat from my retreat. Men had changed. Women had caused so much damage to some of these dudes that I felt sorry for them.  

 I started to feel like the superior in the relationship and quickly found their weaknesses too quickly to stick around.
 Men use to be mysterious and be about pleasing and satisfying a woman. Now it seems they give you the low down upfront. I even had one guy say that movies glorify that men last more than 10 minutes and that just wasn't true.  

  After Khalid, I had a sort of tough time believing that. I wasn't buying the relationship lies anymore.

  I ended the ten-minute man relationship on the porch after he tried to pin me when I was 43 fucking years old. Pin me I said!

 So my hormones were shifting me into this heartless woman with little time or energy for crybabies and whiners and laziness either. I was harsh and becoming brutal in my methods almost crass at how abruptly I could end a relationship after finding one issue because now they aren't just tiny issues you can look over, now we know thanks to media and TV the statistics involved in making some of these relationships last that warning signs are everything.

  My tender heart was turning colder. I heard myself say things like  "what's the issue, it could be way worse" or "could be worse, you could have died".

 Things that I would have never dare say years ago when I believed in having to agree and support a man no matter what it meant in compromising my own thoughts.

  No fuck that. I was a fucking beast now and ready to tell a man to put their pants on and grow up if they started sniffling about life.

  I doubt that was actually me now thinking back. Now I can say it was the hormones changing me from left to right and front and back trying to figure out what made me happy, sad, mad, frustrated and always feeling empty. spewing out mean thoughts rather than myself or aloud was a coping mechanism for me feeling unattached to my emotions.

I have a feeling that if I had started meditating early at the stages of trying to have a baby in the first leg of this journey I would have been much better off. I just didn't know I was changing.

 I was going through so many physical changes it was hard to keep up with the emotional ones and the ones that were driven from fear or care. There is such a fine line between emotions when they are all spitting out at one time and consume you daily. Thoughts. They can eat you alive.

 Hormonal imbalance can make you react to situations in the strangest ways. Maybe I thought it would be best to stay on my own until I could control the way I was feeling and until I had the ability and desire to open up to someone again. I just knew it was terribly exhausting for me and my body was already doing weird shit and acting stupid as hell so I walked away from it all and decided to be upfront with everyone. I was not looking for anything. My life was preparing to live alone and make it in my own way.
 I would survive rather I had a baby or a boyfriend or ever got married and certainly under no conditions would I bend to make an exception ever.
 Life was short.

 Thankfully perimenopause gave me a short fuse for bullshit and that was a blessing in disguise through this all.