Perimenopause or depression

 Let's put it this way. If irrational thoughts and crippling anxiety attacks were not crappy enough depression comes in full swing like a bat to the head around the first year. I am not even talking about the typical depression either. I am talking about the kind that grabs your insides, convinces you you are a worthless nothing and leaves you feeling raped by your own thoughts that are not even true most the time. Depression related to perimenopause for me is terrible. I have also elected not to use anti depression pills but that is irrelevant.

 Panic attacks can sometimes even be brought on by the sheer thought of having one or by sweating too much.

 Many times I knew I was sweating profusely I would begin panicking that everyone was noticing until in fct everyone was noticing. It was a brilliant cycle that still continues and should be real fun to see where it goes.

 I speak of the time before I realized there was over the counter help for me and even alcohol if I chose. These were darker days of not understanding I was perimenopause and continuing to believe I was just heavier now and sweat more. Sure, that's it.

 Depression went hand in hand with my mood swings where I felt everyone was against me. If I didn't lock myself in a room for almost a year I don't know if my oldest son would have forgiven me.

 I was a monster and sometimes still catch myself being highly negative and feeling really insecure. It was baffling to me what was going on. I was no longer able to listen to people blather on about their lives. I had real shit to deal with and listening to others cry was too much. Plus I felt like I picked up on every persons emotions I came in contact with. It's not even being an empath, I was sucking peoples messed up energy into my own body and it exhausted me.

 Many times the depression would sweep in and without warning I would be locked in my room dealing with thoughts of regrets and even shit that went on 20 years ago. It was beyond annoying because I couldn't shake the funk and no matter how hard I tried to explain the confusion I was feeling over being tormented by thoughts from decades passed it didn't make sense. Why now were all these negative memories surfacing? Was it truly regret or a desire to see how it could have been different.

 I think I went through the hardest depressions between after the baby days. It mainly kicked in that I had to move on from the thought of babies and into something that finally made sense. Planning the future or retiring early? But no I couldn't shake the thought of what if I had tried to stay with my ex? Could we have worked it out. It was so crazy because the answer was no!

   I had a lot of regrets for quite sometime until it all ended up hitting me at one time in a series of hours of crying that turned into days. My depression is still ongoing while I work on hormone balance, meditation and what I have learned through yoga to relax but it really took a tool monthly dealing with the week leading up to my period which mind you is 24 days apart now. If that inst depressing I cant imagine what is. Sometimes my period hits me three times a month.

  I wish I had been less depressed during the baby making years because its quite possible I was creating a mental block which could have affected my chances at making real life sustain in me but none the less I really didn't know making irrational decisions was part of depression. I was making grown up choices. Ones my family knew nothing of. I was certainly feeling isolated and strange not having anyone to confide in.

I felt ashamed of the fact I was dealing with so much mental anguish, growing up too quick and not being able to get pregnant. ,
It was draining.

 Eventually when the thought of being pregnant wasn't appealing anymore, I moved into another stage of depression which was wondering why no one had fallen in love with me. That in itself is pretty damn depressing considering I was going on 5 years being basically single.

  I was the one that didn't want a relationship and I found myself almost being cruel to anyone that suggested anything other than friendship. Didn't they realize I was too busy for BS and lies anymore? I was a closed off wall of depression willing to shut anyone I could out and I did it repeatedly for almost 6 years straight. Maybe even longer.

 I think our body changes allow us to change in many ways into a different human. I am a completely different person than I was five years ago and no one truly influenced those changes in my but myself. That is pretty profound to imagine isn't it?

 I should be celebrating the fact that I was able to emerge through ashes somewhat human still without carrying out some of the terrible thoughts I had at times about myself and others. We all made it through. Quite the miracle really,

 The biggest reason I felt so sad and still do is very simple.

 I could enjoy a mans company and fill a void I think is fixing my loneliness but when I walk away I know the loneliness isn't from men I am with or not with, Loneliness comes from not being able to have a good friend to share these things I was going through with anyone. How I was able to make such incredibly dangerous and emotionally driven decisions was shocking to me at times. 

 Was I a mad genius or a serious psychopath? It truly was in the air but not having the strength from other females or friends to explain it all to me or even share some little insight was and is harsh.

I would love to walk into my mom and tell her the emotions I go through on a daily but I am met with criticism because her generation didn't suffer. They dealt. She didn't have those problems she would brag because she had a hysterectomy before it happened. 

 The depression is a silent traveler that I never invite but packs its bags and hauls along no matter where I go now. 

 I wish I could say this part of it all has gotten better but I can say a few positive things.

 I no longer wake up sweating in a panic feeling like I am dying now that I use natural medications and over the counter help. The worst part of going to bed for me was being afraid if facing the morning. Nine times out of ten I awoke in a pool of cold sweat and covered in wet sheets. I thought for sure I had some awful disease, I kind of still do. Perimenopause sucks!

  And, I guess depression is a little more bearable now or at least I am in tune with how long it typically lasts and what triggers it, ( you guessed it, hormones) but it is still difficult to work out internally.

 Its made me realize I would not have made a very good man. I definitely identify as a woman because we are some bad-ass bitches that go through a hell of a lot and deal with incredible strength. That's a pretty elite club of people to belong to and I am proud to have gone through even the shadiest secrets to accept that.

 I know that depression guides my actions so I have to be very careful. 

We all do.