This is 40

 

It was not a good day nor was I in a happy place the morning of Sept 14th when I turned 40.

In fact I felt like going back to bed and not discussing it at all but you know...family and stuff.

 I had been dating off and on all that summer and by fall had narrowed the choices down to one. A handsome Latino man I had met and hit it off with immediately.

  He accepted my quirkiness and I accepted his desire to be a bachelor. For us it was a perfect match. Neither one of us looking for anything but an occasional meetup as friends and sex.
The sex was perfect too. No commitments. No need to thank anyone. We were both there for the same deal and we didn't need to explain ourselves to anyone.

 Stein was special and I knew he was someone I had to place the rules down quickly with. I was on a path he was on a path and we couldn't let those lines cross.
Not ever.

 Do you remember looking into someones eyes and feeling excited? 

  It was a passionate memory I had forgotten and was so grateful to find again In him. He didn't care about my story and didn't care about my life. I could be whatever I wanted at any moment with Stein because he would never know the real me regardless. That was the beauty in our friendship. We didn't bank on trust or words, only sex and being brutally honest. And I loved his body. His body was the sort of machine that felt like you were falling in love. My legs would get weak and my body would throb sometimes when I would stare across from him knowing I was going to be in his arms in just a few moments. It was a grown up attraction and I really learned so much about control from him.

 That's the thing about grown up womanhood hormones and being 25 hormones from just a short while ago. I knew things now. I knew what mattered and what was flub. I knew not to give away the best in the beginning or you were sealing your end and I was well aware of the fact I wasn't living in a world that people did not stay connected the same way anymore.

 Dating at 25 to now was incredibly different. You relied on actual human interactions before telling people you loved them. The flirting and touch that is attached to being in the present and not online to me was so important and Stein offered me that. He was close enough for me to call at any time and distant enough that we wouldn't see each other for months at times.

 It was truly a win win for two narcissists.

 I was able to connect with people much deeper because I understood my body more intensely and knew how to please myself and someone else. Rather I exuded that energy or not on a man really depended on if I was there for the sex or the company and with Stein it was both. He was able to fill the void in both those areas because again, it just didn't matter. we were not in a place of trying to impress one another. As long as we met up and still had that desire and passion the rest of the shit going on was irrelevant. I was attracted to the being not the bro.

 I do feel somewhat guilty because including Stein, I secretly used certain men for the purpose of having a baby, convincing them I was not able to get pregnant for sure and allowing them to feel comfort in that gave me what I wanted.

 Stein didn't matter to me though.  He was always an after thought or a whatever, he was just another object placed in my life to get what I wanted and move on. 

 For the men reading this, let this be a warning that women like me do exist. We do not necessarily care about your emotions either. My intentions at least my own were, to get what I wanted and eventually drop off the map as I was very famous for doing. It was a win for me either way if the relationship matured or died out. It really meant nothing to me at all.

 This new me was indeed all new because 25 year old me would have made poor Stein "define" us months ago. 25 year old me was stuck in an insecure head with little appreciation for personal space or understanding men or myself at all. Actually this hormone shift wasn't too bad considering I realized that 25 year old me really should be listening to 40 year old me and slowing down. Regardless we are here and the past is the past. 25 sucked and my small brain made shit choices then anyway because it hadn't developed anything from former life experience. I was a noob at 25.

 At 40, I was totally fine with how it was without any jealousy because I was an adult now. My brain had processed younger traits and judged them hard. With Stein my emotional roller coaster didn't matter. We could both be going through whatever and have the ability to check it outside before we got together,

 It had been almost two year now  I was working with both Matt and Khalid so relationships were obviously not part of the plan considering I was upfront with almost everyone that I was working with a donor and if it resulted in pregnancy I would be moving on. Mostly I found men appreciated my honesty. Some even offered to help but most just were not aware or I didn't bother telling them because I knew they wouldn't get it. Stein was not relationship material.

He was probably my first adult friendship that was balanced and that meant something. It meant I was learning how to walk this thin line a little easier and I was more in control of the emotions I once let rule me. I thought that was a great accomplishment in itself.

 By forty I didn't need anyone to define our roles or what I was to them. I defined that, it was a completely different change in me. I was hardened by past relationships and in some ways more daring and willing to cut people out faster.

 I am not bragging about being cold hearted I am simply saying that time is always ticking in the perimenopause brain and I did not have time for definitions and playing guessing games with people. I understood that real love was very evident and I would not have to question anything if I met the right person so all these fill in the time folks were just what they were. Time consuming and wasteful.

 I let many good ones go in the course of 4 years to spare them my emotional baggage. I also found that the more I waited and started dating again the quicker I was to delete my dating profile because I couldn't deal with the drama of relationships anymore.

 I saw so many people I knew living in regret over the person they were with. So many friends confided in me about not being physically attracted to their spouses any longer and it saddened me. I never wanted to be the girl my man was complaining to his ex about on a bar-stool.

 It felt like a social experiment for a while trying to understand if men were always this weird or if I had become so tough that I chose not to relate to any weakness. That is certainly a good sign I was not ready to get too serious and why today Stein is living his life happily with someone else.

The passion was there but the commitment was never available because we set the rules way too fast and told each other our dark secrets too quickly.We knew each other well enough to know we would be dangerous together. Together he and I pushed the boundaries and had sex every time we walked out of the restaurant to the car. There was barely a minute after we hit the car that we weren't undressing each other in a mess of flesh open for the world to see. But when my hormones weren't raging he was just a simple afterthought all the time. Irrational from rational hormonal thoughts. We have to learn that balance. if I would  have listened to what my body was telling me then I would have known that Stein really wasn't anything important in my life it was just someone that I needed to pass time with.

  I appreciated the men that got me through the changes I was going through sexually as perimenopause was happening..even if I didn't realize it was at the time. I was able to learn my body and desires through Stein and he gave me my youthfulness back every time we embraced on a summer night in the car. Living those moments with others gave me the ability to make bad choices but appreciate them for being stepping stones. With him I could say what I wanted without feeling judged. Maybe this whole age thing isn't so bad right? How bad can it be if you are able to voice your desires better and know your body on a level you never knew before?

   I don't think hormones are all that bad. We are taught to control them our entire lives and is it so bad to know exactly what you like without any bullshit at all?

 
 I do wonder about Stein from time to time. The last time I saw him was my 40th birthday. He and I shared a pizza and I followed him to his motorcycle. He lifted the side of my skirt and I jumped on the back of his bike riding onto the freeway to his house holding onto this leather jacket. I can still smell and feel that moment.

  Just before I wrote this I went to his page to see how he was doing. Looks like we aren't friends anymore but hey, I didn't notice until today so what does that say about me?
 Its called growing up and we all have to get there. Turns out I'm an afterthought also.