Perimenopause and Alcohol

  Normally I am awakened by the feeling of dread of fear, heat, and coldness all within a few seconds of each other. That time is typically around 4:30 a.m
 I've learned that if I take my herbs before bed I get some sleep but the closer I get to the end of my 24-day cycle...the more intense the underlying conditions of perimenopause become.

 Usually, around cycle day 6 I start going downhill from headaches to lethargy and overall twangs and pains. Luckily working from home allows me to deal with most of the problems I face during that time of the month. last month I ended up having a 31-day cycle. That hadn't happened for over 6 years now. Usually, I am spot on from 24- 26 days no longer each month.
 Last month I was a mess. From deciding never to drink alcohol again during my mid-cycle to an understanding I am 100percent, not interested in sex at all anymore for the time being...its been pretty fucked as a month in general.

 I am not a fan of spilling emotions out and in public is even worse. I wish hadn't even gone out that night now because there was nothing that interesting or fantastic that would change my opinion. No big epiphany happened, no vivid memories that would carry with me through life. Just the embarrassment of hormonal me drinking and being around old friends.

  It was a bad call and one that I won't be making again. it also happened to be the hardest cycle I have had in years. The fluctuating emotions and physical pain as well as the pure and simple feeling of not wanting to get dressed or deal with people in general. I have forged through and acted like I was interested in all the work stories and emails but the truth is last month was fucking marbles. I had anxiety so bad I couldn't even get out of bed for the last two days of my cycle. I have anticipated expecting this new shitty last 5 days of the cycle to be awful now since it has been a constant for about 5 months.

  Back to the alcohol fiasco. I do not drink. The reason I do NOT drink is that I am a train wreck when I do. There is no good memory of a drinking moment for me. most end with me making terrible choices, moving in with someone and even getting pregnant. At 44 this drunk me was more aware of all the shit going on. My eyelids hurt from crying and my makeup felt heavy. I couldn't wait to wash it all off and crawl in bed to finish the handmaid's tale and eat some gummy bears. The thought of having to work off that 9,000 calorie sangria was haunting. cycle day 30 was going to blow and come in with regret and hangover headaches.

 Cycle day 31.  To no surprise of mine, regret rolled in as I crawled in bed late night on cycle day 30 but it was close enough to day 31 and carried over.
 I have a habit of making outbursts when I think of the stupid shit I do. Several times while thinking of cycle day 30 and alcohol I would say out loud " Jesus Christ" or "Oh my god", completely aware and coherent now that I had been home a bit and thought about myself. I hate drinking me, Drinking me is an emotional basket case that has absolutely no way to control her flooding mind. People already don't understand my incredibly strange mind so adding hormones and the fact I am used to spending 99% of my time alone is baffling to others I am sure when they see a very uncontrollable unconsolable me. The best part is I could not find or think of a direct cause of the flood gates that night even thinking about it today a month later. regardless it's over with and respecting myself I will not be making that poor decision again for a very long time.

 Back to cycle day 31. That day was the day I was getting nervous. what the fuck was going on. from a 24 day cycle to this was awful. My symptoms were so much more intensified by day 28 and getting worse by the day. By that day I was sweating all day and couldn't control my words. I couldn't speak properly and was getting confused, sad and over-emotional about everything. I was sweating the entire night even popping two estroven and herbs. My heart was palpitating way more than normal. I felt weaker and sadder than more months and more withdrawn. I didn't even bother turning my phone on for a few days when it was turned off. I didn't care about talking to anyone for a couple days. I could have gone longer but I do have a job and responsibility. I was becoming really saddened for other women that had to account for a job around others and possibly feeling as badly as I was. It made me feel even worse.

 Still, with no insurance, I am on my own navigating my crisis and with very few friends to chat about on the subject.

 Perimenopause is a secret in more ways that one. Women seem weirded out talking about their bodies at 30 something and then at 40 we are so confused because everything starts adding up and we wish we had realized it sooner I suppose. I did at least. I was pretty upset I hadn't had time to agree to this all and still shocked this was indeed coming to my full menopause. My aunt is 10 years older and she is just starting all this....why did I start so young?

  I have theories. I feel women in general with negative blood types or RH- have more risks in pregnancy already. It took many years of gathering info that has led me to get to this conclusion but being in the field I am in allows me access to more information than possible for this type of thing.
 I believe eating disorders and irregular eating doesn't help the situation either. How do we repair things we cant? It isn't possible to get my conclusion on the RH factor but I can at least control my sleep, thoughts, eating and self-care but there are just some things in our DNA that cannot be changed and that is life.

 More about drinking. SO I suspect that I was entirely too close to cycle day 12 which means I was on the roller coaster high side. It only goes down from that day. It was not a great day to be hashing memories and trying to understand the missing people with a friend I hadn't seen in ten years because my hormonal me was raging. She was sitting on the fence ready to jump that night and go full steel magnolia on downtown in front of everyone. It did happen just like that and there was a powerful lesson I learned that night.

 The expectations I had of drunk me were high. It was exciting to think of clanging glasses, pounding drinks and laughing over good times. The realness of it all was shit was not ok.
 I got emotional two drinks in. By three I was clearly lost and the most embarrassing part would be crying and forgetting why I was crying and having to make up some shit that would be too real and make me cry again. A shit show for sure. A lesson learned. Only drink during the five safe days before mid-cycle kicks in.

 That makes me a little more extra I guess. YAY! I was handed my period card at age 11 and couldn't wait for it all to be done. Now I am 44 and cant wait to be out of this shithole I found at 38. Today I am back at cycle day 1. Life is better. In about 24 days I will be back to crying in bed, doubled over in pain and stressing, yelling and overreacting about all things possible.

 My hormones are not my own but I am managing self-regulation and extreme meditation. Since I am not a candidate for HRT this is my norm and I get another possible 7 years coming.
 I hate this part of life so far. I thought 40 was supposed to be full of wisdom and good times. I've been a mother now almost 22 years and my reward has been watching my family change drastically, still being single, having to work out three times harder if I eat a bowl of cereal now and this bullshit emotional disaster I call my uterus.

 And yes I cuss at my vagina. I could care less about nurturing or being kind to her when she is being an unruly cunt to make me either cry or lash out at someone.
 I regret every 40 something-year-old teachers I ever fucked with now. They couldn't say " hey bitch, fuck off...I'm dealing with some shit" I can and I feel awful for being such a teacher bully now because I just know all of them are humans and had to go through everything I have and maybe more. We really ought to be taught very young about sisterhood and about how we all should be making each other stronger.

 If we cannot talk to each other more openly and bluntly we continue to confuse the generations to come and it makes me wonder how we've all become so removed from the fact that we all bleed, hurt and suffer. Why must we be cruel and make the lives of others harder along the way? Why is it so hard for some women to just be kind? You would think even society teaches us better by now. There are very few acceptions as to why any bullying or meanness happens to girls but even to women. I've spent years around catty cunty women that were deadset on bringing others down. I feel sorry for them. They are all just the basic of basic humans that walk through earth never appreciating the stages or energies around them.

 I suppose judging and being a dick would make for more interesting writing but I am just a confused soul going through life with a confused hormonal vajayjay and not a drop of insurance to deal completely with it all.
 Welcome to America perimenopause. Land of the brave and home of the millions of uninsured normal people like me dealing with medical issues.
 A drop in the bucket.

 24 days is my cycle. I spend 5 of it at least in bed at the end of the month. The first five days happy and working normally. Midway through starts the sleepiness and hormonal shifts that make me start getting bad anxiety.

 I have certainly learned to pay attention to my body so I know how to respond to the upcoming days. A woman needs to do that. Have a relationship with anyone or anything you want but make sure your body is the closest relationship you ever have. She will tell you everything you need to know.
Hear her.

 *Do not drink without proper over the counter care ( possibly doubled up ) or a medical professional to advise. Expect tears and outbursts of WTF moments. Alcohol intensifies the bullshit you are already feeling while intoxicated. It will not give a fuck if you are in a packed bar with makeup and fake lashes.
 Do not take other substances during alcoholic binges. limit alcohol to the first five days you begin your new cycle in perimenopause.

My warning to all future friends that ask advise.