Heart attack or hot flash

 So there are very scary things that started happening with my body at age 38 to 39. One was the panic episodes that I feel were brought on by anything. Virtually anything brought them on and virtually anything would set me off those years.  I was playing a game called is it a heart attack or a panic attack daily and I did not agree to play. There will be many new games you will have to learn to enjoy in the coming years. Perimenopause doesn't give two quarters if you have a headache that day or need to work. Panic and heart palps on the way.

 What I am about to share could potentially save someone out there a load of stress.
 Heart palpitations and panic are associated with Perimenopause. The two can mimic one another quite easily. In fact, a heart palpitation can scare a hormonal me so much that I think I am dying, therefore, setting me into a full-blown attack.

 Let's talk about Christmas eve 2015. These were the beginning stages of my panic attacks. They were still infant stage size compared to the ones that would come later. Sitting in front of the tree my family was asleep and I started the dread feeling. It starts at the pit of my gut and slowly creeps up my spine. It makes me stop in my tracks as my blood turns cold and I feel all the air leaves my body. I stare at a wall watching everything fade to black and I start racing inside my chest.
 I never know what will happen or where the dread feeling will take me, how long the ride will be and who will be joining us. It, (the panic)was in full control each time back then.

That night served as a reminder that the brain can play with the heart and panic and help at any time when they use a lifeline and 'call a friend'  so by the time brain started kicking in, I or the other parts of me were very unprepared and I started to forget who I have to take on first. The brain tells me I am dying, the heart racing to a point I could die from a heart attack, having to control my breathing and pulse, don't forget to run and get a pulse. Pulse. pulse? Oh my God, I have no pulse!

 As I stood to run out of the room I felt the cold air come over me and the darkening tunnel closing in. Death was here. This was it! Oh my God, I have no pulse how the hell is this happening? Not now! I am so not ready! I ran from room to room jogging in place until I could get my heart to beat again. I was fucking dying and this was how? I was so scared I finally picked up the phone and called 911 but hung up.


 I think the entire attack was less than two minutes so keep in mind in the midst of these it feels like ten to twenty minutes. All I knew was I was a dead woman and then it dawned on me. I couldn't still be thinking and running if I had no pulse. The brain had come in and masked my logic for the win!
OH, that sneaky fucker! Laying on the floor with a clear pulse now I stared at the ceiling and said " this is my life now? Seriously?  Also, fuck yeah for being alive.

 I didn't sleep that night. I instead packed a panic attack care bag for the next adventure my body took me on while I was happily doing my adulting that contained my happy place. Soft textures I like, photos I  needed to calm, a bag to breathe in, some Indica dominant weed, pictures of my kids, things that create good feelings, the smell of gardenia and a Valium. The things that ground me and make me realize I am attached to the earth still.

  I was well aware these I was not in control of my body anymore. I had to trick myself into controlling it. Imagine being in a body you don't recognize any longer that is acting independently of yourself. it would freak anyone out enough to assume you were dying in an attack. I had really no marker to compare these to any other because the perimenopause panic has helpers like the brain and heart that regular panic cant hold a candle to.

 After that night and my in-home jogging workout at 3 a.m, I never went out without my kit. I knew it was the only way to survive through these because it was pretty astounding they were happening midday in public as well. These were a different level of panic and they were intense.

 The morning after I asked my son if he heard me up and he said that he saw my shadow going back and forth and running. He figured if it was important I would have knocked on his door but he did watch my shadow under his door. When I asked why he didn't come to my rescue he said: "I didn't feel like jogging with you at 3 in the morning".

  I don't think I have ever told anyone about my safety kit until now. It serves so much purpose in my life reminding me that I can take back the power from my head and my panic but the heart will always be tricky.

 Perimenopause has everything to do with why I had to start a beta-blocker for my heart. The panic attacks would virtually set my tachycardia off until I could have gone into a heart attack. It was a matter of sanity because as my attacks were getting stronger my heart was skipping to a point I thought I was in cardiac arrest. After being on a 24 hour mobile EKG I was able to see where my panic was controlling my day and how it was affecting my heart and action had to be made to ensure my ability to get out of a bad situation. My panic was so bad the nurse called me at home and told me they had enough data to prescribe. Apparently, my heart was racing up to 220 for moments I was in panic mode and they were able to see the tachycardia on screen in live time. The caught my panic attacks on tape basically,

 I feel for anyone that says they suffer from panic. My heart breaks for those that understand the humor but the dark place it comes from because we are going through the same issues. Mostly I worry for myself. My fears all come to surface when the sinking feelings start, Sometimes flashes of memories will fill my head when I am worrying I am dying. I try to think of ways to save myself but the pictures don't stop in my head of the things and the people I have hurt, the regrets and the things I will never see. These thoughts drive me deeper into a panic. Just writing this is creating stomach knots.


 No one ever taught me it was a matter of life and death how I decided to deal with perimenopause. For some of us, this is so hard on our bodies that we are crippled by paranoia and depression. Imagine the strength all of us as women have to be able to go out and look those demons in the eye every day with a brave face.



 If no one has told you this...I am proud of you.
 Your health is important and you matter.